I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
