I'm so fucking centered right now
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
