He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
