shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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