70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
