im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
