matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
