You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
