Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
