Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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