the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
