At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
