at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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