i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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