Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
