4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
