In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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