I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
