end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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