Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
