I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
