we have pet lesbian snakes
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
