Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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