I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
