I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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