i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
