I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
