i wish my penis had a tongue
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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