Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
