Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
