I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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