i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
