I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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