Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
