Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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