I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
