The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
