Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
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They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
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Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library