I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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