i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
In other news, I just burned my penis
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
