Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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