My underwear smells like fireworks.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
