i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
