I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
