Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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