were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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