so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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