buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I want to fling myself into the sun
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
