what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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