EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
