@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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