bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
