My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
