i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize