I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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